for real, i'm not...

i am not alone.

nope.

i mean, i only posted three times in January, and now FOUR in february, but i am not alone.  even cjane gets writers block.  blogging is hard.

one of the differences between she and i (that sticks out of late, but no worries, i also realize there are about a million others)is that her writers block tends not to last as long as mine.  i contend that's because she has thousands of readers prodding, texting, FBing, emailing, and calling her with their concern, thus motivating her somewhat more quickly than i can motivate myself.  and on top of that, it gives her something else to blog about.

i die for cjane updates, but she's right -- we want more facetime with her.  guest bloggers are ok, but several times a week ... well... just make me think i should read their blogs.  

so as a consumer of blogs i have realized ... i need motivation to keep writing on here.  what used to motivate me now just confuses me... my kids lives are a mile a minute and i completely lack the ability to focus on the small things that make life so good.  those small things make me realize big things (like overall happiness in life), and thus, i tend not to blog nearly as much.  i become overwhelmed and confused about what sounds good or what my purpose is or how long i can honestly dedicate to writing an entry because to my left sits a list of a billion things to do on a daily basis.

blog guilt.  ugh.

i'm just letting you know this entire thing still weighs heavily on my mind.  i think of it constantly and i am trying to get back into a good rhythm in life that allows me to calm things down, yet fit everything in at the same time.

it's not impossible, just a creative work in progress.

but thank you, cjane.  your lack of facetime has made me realize the importance of my own facetime on here.  if not for my wonderful audience today, for the one twenty years from now that  share the same name as i.  hamako.  as in, my heavenlyhamakos.

my list.

i love that sophie calls justin bieber "justin bevuh"

 

i love that ethan wants to have secrets with me.

{esp. when they are about how much he loves me.}

 

i love that emma is finding herself.

{she has been so funny lately - such quick wit!}

 

i love that i'm getting my life back on track.

i don't just have calendars...

i have lists.

 

lists that i used to live by.

lists that used to create a very organized life.

lists that went away during football season.

lists that kept my life S T R A I G H T.

 

when things start to come together,

they really do.

when it rains, it pours.

 

and right now, it's pouring a nice, warm gentle rain.

raindrops made up purely of organizational habits.

l o v e  i t.

{never underestimate the power of a list.}

{they.  are.  awesome.}

warm and full of love.

i will pop in for tonight.

{because it was valentine's day today, and i love you.}

today i was able to celebrate my loves.

particularly, my young ones.

and it was all about our love.

for some reason ethan was particularly touched by what v-day represented.

he cried about how thankful he was to have chris and myself for parents.

he cried about how blessed he was, even if he didn't know what exactly "blessed"meant.

he cried because he  

never wanted our love to change.

he's eight.

he's eight and aware that our love will change.

because one day it will.

and i won't find myself to be his favorite woman in the world.

and he will no longer want that one last hug before bed.

and that scares him.

my son has been on a whirl, of late, calculating how old he thinks he'll be when both chris and i die.  it is so sad to me that he is worrying about this.  he is only eight.

last week i went to tuck him in and i found him surrounded in his bed by his baby books.  you know, the cardboard books with big words, but only about two on any given page.

and he was in tears.

he was afraid that he would grow up and i wouldn't love him like i did when he was a baby.  he was afraid of losing "cuddle-time," secret smootches, and uber-awesome hugs.  he was afraid that one day he would  give me limp hugs.  not by choice, but by nature.

i was in tears.

so tonight i let my children stay up a full hour and a half past their bedtime.

we sang childhood songs.

twinkle, twinkle

hey diddle, diddle

you are my sunshine 

{which kills me EVERYFREAKINGTIME}

jack and jill

and they loved it.

and they laughed.

and they wanted me to record it all on video.

and i did.

and it was awesome.

happy valentine's day, my peeps.

this is the day i will forever celebrate the love of my children.  together.  it is the most honest and pure love i have ever felt in my life.  i don't care if it's a made-up holiday because love should be celebrated.  

they will all have their special individual celebrations of love {their birthdays} but to be able to celebrate our love together, ALL OF US... well, Hallmark... I'll take it.

who couldn't use one more day on the calendar to remind us to celebrate love?

{i tried uploading a 5 minute video of our sillies}

{it ran for 3.5 hrs and still didn't upload.}

{wuddup, blogspot?}

crazy babes.

{please don't grow up on me.}

{ok, but if you have to... please don't forget the memories.}
{they sorta rocked my world.}

i am a genius.

i have sat at my computer and started a post every few days since Christmas.  nothing seems good enough.  there is this over-abundance of things to talk about.  with over-abundances like this, i just lose control and write as if i'm in a speed talking competition.  it isn't pretty, rarely comprehensible, and overall completely frustrating to be around.  it is not just aggravating for me to try to get through writing, but also to read back to myself.  it's like i'm on speed.  only i'm not.  and then it all just gets deleted anyway.  how do professional bloggers decide what to write about?

oh wait...

i'm not professional.

i'm a mom that wanted to document things for my children.  

that's it!  

here i have been pressuring myself to document every little thing surrounding every little event and then coming out with nothing in the end.  

*refocus, erica, refocus*

i'm going to re-think things a bit.  re-think my purpose.  re-think my approach.  re-think my everything.  it has overwhelmed me because i lost my focus.  i allowed my blog to stand for more than i wanted it to, and it completely swallowed me up to the point i didn't feel like i could even live up to it.  

sort of like my facebook status.  i can't even think of anything "worthy" to put on there anymore.  i am finding myself more and more obnoxious the further i expand my thoughts here today.  

i will be back sooner than later, with much less pressure on myself.  you know, that pressure that swallowed me whole and  completely disabled my capability of written expression.

i am erica and i am my own worst written enemy. 

baby o' mine.

i never understood why my baby brother was treated like a baby for most of his life.  it was explained to me but i didn't understand --- i didn't feel the explanation.  he was spoiled and doted on and inexplicably favored.

it was foreign to me until i had my own baby.

and by that, i mean.... LAST CHILD.

i knew when i had sophie that she was going to be our last little tike.  boy or girl, we wouldn't be trying for just one more.  i was ok with that concept because that allowed me to convince my hubster to try one last time.  i needed a big family.  i was from a big family.  i felt this want and need to continue that tradition.

so back to baby.....

i have one spoiled and doted upon little mess on my hands.  i know i helped create the little monster i did, but i can't help it.  she was my bayyyyyyyyybyyyyyyyyyy.  forever and always, my last little one.

knowing that she was my last i wanted to keep her little forever.  don't get me wrong, she's only four and a half, and thus... still little.  but you know it has to be bad when, at four and a half, she still baby talks and can run the house based on her shrill screams of anger and/or demand.  i.  made.  this.  mess.  i must clean it up.

i stress on a consistent multi-daily basis how much that baby talk grates on my last nerve.  but she keeps on keeping on.  and it irks me.  the other day she wanted a new purse.  one from my mom's store.  that sucker was $32.  she's four and a half, remember?  after a lot of negotiation between she and my mom, they agreed that sophie could have it for $3 and a grown up voice.

wiggawiggawhat?  winner winner chicken dinner, fo SHO!

so on the way home that day i had a grown-up conversation with her for the entire 15 minutes we were in the car.  we talked about school, about make-up, about cheerleading, and a billion other things.  it was awesome.  i could understand her and she actually made sense.

she didn't baby talk hardly at all that night.  it was great.  i mean completely less frustrating of a night.  you see, it's not just her baby talk, but also her baby cries that make being a home like being in a daycare.  constantly.  connnnnnnnnstantly. 

over the next week she still baby talked, but far less.  it was pretty amazing -- all for a purse.  i came home one day with information on cheerleading and soccer camp for her. we talked about it and she told me flat out that while she would enjoy soccer camp, she would be way too shy to do it, but with cheerleading, she knew she could get over being shy so she could perform.

back.  the.  truck.  up. 

this conversation just made me realize she's more like fourteen, than four.  and i'm not a fan.  it was at this very point that i wanted to kick myself in the head.  she's so little and only this little once in her life.  why do i want her to talk normal when that's going to lead to normal friends her age?  i'm kinda hip in her eyes right now and ultimately her most preferred playmate.  in her eyes, i totally rock.

her entire life started flashing in front of my eyes and i started to panic.  maybe baby talking isn't so bad?  could i really deal with being on her "b" list of friends?  am i ready for all things non-BABY with her?  am i ready to just be "mom" and no longer "mommyyyyyyyyyyy?!"

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!  what have i done?!

this is sophie:

now, suddenly, i'm speechless....