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Saturday, February 26, 2011

for real, i'm not...

i am not alone.

i mean, i only posted three times in January, and now FOUR in february, but i am not alone.  even cjane gets writers block.  blogging is hard.

one of the differences between she and i (that sticks out of late, but no worries, i also realize there are about a million others)is that her writers block tends not to last as long as mine.  i contend that's because she has thousands of readers prodding, texting, FBing, emailing, and calling her with their concern, thus motivating her somewhat more quickly than i can motivate myself.  and on top of that, it gives her something else to blog about.

i die for cjane updates, but she's right -- we want more facetime with her.  guest bloggers are ok, but several times a week ... well... just make me think i should read their blogs.  

so as a consumer of blogs i have realized ... i need motivation to keep writing on here.  what used to motivate me now just confuses me... my kids lives are a mile a minute and i completely lack the ability to focus on the small things that make life so good.  those small things make me realize big things (like overall happiness in life), and thus, i tend not to blog nearly as much.  i become overwhelmed and confused about what sounds good or what my purpose is or how long i can honestly dedicate to writing an entry because to my left sits a list of a billion things to do on a daily basis.

blog guilt.  ugh.

i'm just letting you know this entire thing still weighs heavily on my mind.  i think of it constantly and i am trying to get back into a good rhythm in life that allows me to calm things down, yet fit everything in at the same time.

it's not impossible, just a creative work in progress.

but thank you, cjane.  your lack of facetime has made me realize the importance of my own facetime on here.  if not for my wonderful audience today, for the one twenty years from now that  share the same name as i.  hamako.  as in, my heavenlyhamakos.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

my list.

i love that sophie calls justin bieber "justin bevuh"
i love that ethan wants to have secrets with me.
{esp. when they are about how much he loves me.}
i love that emma is finding herself.
{she has been so funny lately - such quick wit!}
i love that i'm getting my life back on track.
i don't just have calendars...
i have lists.
lists that i used to live by.
lists that used to create a very organized life.
lists that went away during football season.
lists that kept my life S T R A I G H T.
when things start to come together,
they really do.
when it rains, it pours.
and right now, it's pouring a nice, warm gentle rain.
raindrops made up purely of organizational habits.

l o v e  i t.
{never underestimate the power of a list.}
{they.  are.  awesome.}

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

warm and full of love.

i will pop in for tonight.
{because it was valentine's day today, and i love you.}

today i was able to celebrate my loves.
particularly, my young ones.
and it was all about our love.

for some reason ethan was particularly touched by what v-day represented.
he cried about how thankful he was to have chris and myself for parents.

he cried about how blessed he was, even if he didn't know what exactly "blessed"meant.

he cried because he  
never wanted our love to change.

he's eight.
he's eight and aware that our love will change.
because one day it will.
and i won't find myself to be his favorite woman in the world.
and he will no longer want that one last hug before bed.

and that scares him.

my son has been on a whirl, of late, calculating how old he thinks he'll be when both chris and i die.  it is so sad to me that he is worrying about this.  he is only eight.

last week i went to tuck him in and i found him surrounded in his bed by his baby books.  you know, the cardboard books with big words, but only about two on any given page.

and he was in tears.

he was afraid that he would grow up and i wouldn't love him like i did when he was a baby.  he was afraid of losing "cuddle-time," secret smootches, and uber-awesome hugs.  he was afraid that one day he would  give me limp hugs.  not by choice, but by nature.

i was in tears.

so tonight i let my children stay up a full hour and a half past their bedtime.
we sang childhood songs.

twinkle, twinkle
hey diddle, diddle
you are my sunshine 
{which kills me EVERYFREAKINGTIME}
jack and jill

and they loved it.
and they laughed.
and they wanted me to record it all on video.
and i did.
and it was awesome.

happy valentine's day, my peeps.
this is the day i will forever celebrate the love of my children.  together.  it is the most honest and pure love i have ever felt in my life.  i don't care if it's a made-up holiday because love should be celebrated.  

they will all have their special individual celebrations of love {their birthdays} but to be able to celebrate our love together, ALL OF US... well, Hallmark... I'll take it.

who couldn't use one more day on the calendar to remind us to celebrate love?

{i tried uploading a 5 minute video of our sillies}
{it ran for 3.5 hrs and still didn't upload.}
{wuddup, blogspot?}

crazy babes.
{please don't grow up on me.}
{ok, but if you have to... please don't forget the memories.}
{they sorta rocked my world.}

Sunday, February 6, 2011

i am a genius.

i have sat at my computer and started a post every few days since Christmas.  nothing seems good enough.  there is this over-abundance of things to talk about.  with over-abundances like this, i just lose control and write as if i'm in a speed talking competition.  it isn't pretty, rarely comprehensible, and overall completely frustrating to be around.  it is not just aggravating for me to try to get through writing, but also to read back to myself.  it's like i'm on speed.  only i'm not.  and then it all just gets deleted anyway.  how do professional bloggers decide what to write about?

oh wait...

i'm not professional.

i'm a mom that wanted to document things for my children.  

that's it!  

here i have been pressuring myself to document every little thing surrounding every little event and then coming out with nothing in the end.  

*refocus, erica, refocus*

i'm going to re-think things a bit.  re-think my purpose.  re-think my approach.  re-think my everything.  it has overwhelmed me because i lost my focus.  i allowed my blog to stand for more than i wanted it to, and it completely swallowed me up to the point i didn't feel like i could even live up to it.  

sort of like my facebook status.  i can't even think of anything "worthy" to put on there anymore.  i am finding myself more and more obnoxious the further i expand my thoughts here today.  

i will be back sooner than later, with much less pressure on myself.  you know, that pressure that swallowed me whole and  completely disabled my capability of written expression.

i am erica and i am my own worst written enemy.