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Sunday, March 14, 2010

old lady body.

turning thirty was nothing.  noth-thing.  

in other words... not a thing.

turning thirty-one last summer has... well, it changed my life.

i have old lady body.
the body where 8pm feels like midnight.
7am feels like noon.
getting out of bed is not one fluid movement. 

{and my hips hurt every time.}

sleeping makes my knees hurt.  MY KNEES HURT.
what the hell is that about?
and to top it all off...
don't freak out.
really, don't hold this against me...
let's agree to never tell a soul... {or talk about it in person}...

i have this little problem.  and it's inexplicable.  three little letters.  g-a-s.  i have gas.  those stupid beano commercials that i made fun of years ago, well, they are my reality.

you know you have old lady body when you youtube beano commercials to, you know... find out the facts.

again... what the hell is this about?

my boobs don't sag. {yet}
my back is still without a hump. {for now}
my ears still work. {mostly}
i don't have to have my newspaper an arm's length away. {just half}

it could be worse.
but it's only a matter of time.
the writing is on the wall. 
that stinking gas {wow, no pun intended, but that was kind of awesome} sealed my fate.
painfully so.  that jank is no fun.  or attractive.  

whatchoo gonna do, though?
say it with me...

p.s. i would normally never consider writing about something like this, however, one of the things i remember most about growing up was my mother's denial that she ever passed gas.  humans have gas.  if you don't pass it, you kind of explode.  ask my brother-in-law that gave up farting for lent.  it's not working out so well for him.  you kind of have to be able to pass that stuff frequently throughout the day.  and you CERTAINLY can't control what you do when you fall asleep at night.  because it's a necessity.  and your body knows it.  thus, it is ok to talk about it. 

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