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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

celebrations of a 5 year old

this past week was emma's 5th birthday. that's right. she's five. FIVE. where does the time really go? it hits me hard with her because she's my middle child. and as my middle child i feel she honestly does get the bum end of the stick when it comes to attention. so, this monumental event only amplifies the fact that i feel like i'm really missing out on her growth.

{this is my dear, sweet, lovable emma paige}

emma is my strong one. she's going to be a fanTAStic mother one day. she can handle the ups and downs life throws at her better than her brother and sister. all of this is important because she turned 5 years old. and the day before her birthday we were supposed to celebrate her last day at pre-school on TOP of throwing her a kick-butt birthday party at snack-time. but, that was not to be. you see, emma came home on that Monday with a fever. instead of going to school, emma went to the doctor's for that fever. because, you see... it was almost Thanksgiving and i would be damned if I got stuck in an emergency room over the next hectic 5 days.

{so, where was i?}

doctor's office. that's right. my little 5 year old has pneumonia. pneumonia that made her cough non-stop, run a fever, and weeze unbelievably. and pneumonia that made her unable to attend her last day of pre-school. pneumonia that made her unable to hand out her cupcakes and treat bags to all of her friends, thus deeming her the absolute coolest 5 year old in that class on that very day.

fast forward a week.

emma is no longer enrolled at her pre-school, but i was going to be damned if we weren't going to celebrate her birthday there with all of her frends, thus having her as the coolest chick EVER on that very day.

before we left the house, i knew i was going to be an emotional wreck. not because i was so proud of who emma has become over these last 5 years, though i was. not because i was sad to see her to turn 5, though i was. but because i feel she was getting the bum end of the stick. i was pulling her out or pre-school to help us afford the hubbie not working right now.

{you know how sometimes it takes that big huge heaving sobbing cry to feel better? well with what happened 9 weeks just still hasn't fully processed. i had YET to have that big huge heaving sobbing cry.}

she had a crown. a BIG crown. with glitter. lots of glitter. OH, and hearts, too. she was in heaven. princess-girly heaven. she passed out her cupcakes. she passed out her treatbags. she was the coolest freaking kid in class that day and she loved it. and i wept. and i sobbed. and i had to excuse myself. and then i had to endure the stares of 24 precious little faces wondering why emma's mom was crying. and being a downer to the best party of the year. {i just had to throw that in there}

being a mom allows us to feel so many new thing in life. you don't just feel things for yourself. you feel them for others. and by feel, i mean feeeeeeeeeeel. emma was so overwhelmed by everyone so happy to see her that she just kind of stared and smiled. she knew she wouldn't be going to pre-school there anymore, but it didn't fully process until we got in the car and she saw her journal. her pencil box. her nametag. "why is this in the car, mom? it stays in my classroom."

*sobs, i tell ya*

i can't tell you how happy i am to be a mother. it's all that i was sure i knew i wanted in life. but the mommy guilt is a tough thing to get used to. my oldest is 6 and i still haven't figured out how to deal with it. what i have figured out is that if i need a shoulder to cry on, if i need a smooch to feel better, if i need someone to make me laugh...all i have to do is be home. i've got my entire life right there. they are my life. they are what matter.

i'm learning not to sweat the small things. it's hard because you want your children to have the best in life. pre-school was her own world, and one she was proud of. she had her own friends. her own teacher. her own dance-class. for me it was a big thing. it represented a lot of what i wanted for her... a world of her own. a chance to be someone on her own. not living in the shadow of her big brother or little sister. but you know what i have to remember? she is strong. and she will refuse to live in their shadows. and for THAT...i am proud.

{and on a side note... what's worse than a daughter with pneumonia over Thanksgiving? two daughters with pneumonia over Thanksgiving. never ask how much worse it can get... because the Lord is tricky like that sometimes. not that he wanted to show me pain, but he did want to reiterate the fact that i can't control things in life... so why sweat the small things?}

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