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Monday, March 7, 2011

i am less chaotic than the day before. and the day before that.

some of you know how chaotic i have felt internally over the last few months.  {by few i mean at least six.}  it has been quite a difficult and confusing ride to experience.  i never went crazy {luckily} but inside, i always felt like i was on the brink.  ever have so much to juggle and not enough time to do it, yet, believing that you do?  that is a harsh reality to awaken to.  as simple and easy a concept as it seems to be, sometimes being a believer really makes for an awkward awakening.  it leaves behind a trail of chaos unfamiliar to the likes of me, for i like lists, and calendars, and lists...

i currently have a list on my refrigerator {one that is typed with several bullets and sub-bullets, and sub-bullets to the sub-bullets} with approximately twenty tasks deemed "spring chores."  it was so exciting to put together and i was so amped up about crossing things off, but so far, i've done two things and haven't had the energy to cross them off.  i have mental notes that they're done which are far less rewarding, i might add.  but things are coming off of there, little bits at a time.

sunday i met up with a friend {a best friend} for the first time in about six months.  unreal.  we were people that talked at least twice a week for the last thirteen years.  we went six months without uttering a word.  that is how far i let this chaos into my life.  it's embarrassing to think about.  i just lost control of my life because it suddenly controlled me.  i was so overwhelmed that i just rode the wave and luckily, made it to shore without serious harm.

i don't know if i take on more than i can handle, but i take on more than i realize.  i don't admit failure because i don't settle for it, but i also think that is why i lived in such a confused state of mind for the last few {six} months.  the time is now, and i choose it, to admit i can live a great life at a slower pace with less pressure on myself.  i don't have to be perfect.  i just have to be mom.  wife.  sister.  friend.  worker.  but without being perfect.

i am not perfect. i can do this.  i can live comfortably without aiming for perfection each and every time.  i can learn to let things roll off my back instead of dwelling on things i was unable to do.  i can do this.  i can do this.  i can do this.

my calendars are up to date.  i split sports nights with my hubster so that i have time to get other things done.  i got both dogs groomed so i don't have that staring me down every day {a visual reminder of the chaos that reached every aspect of my life},  and my lists are full and thorough.  there is a sense of accountability and constant reminder just by having them on my fridge.  it feels so good - like i am in control of my life again.  

i'm not saying i have to control life ... i just have to feel like i'm not being controlled by life.  i think i'm on my way.  *fingers crossed*

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