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Monday, April 6, 2009

new post? 'tis true.

has it really been almost 2 months since my last post? i sincerely apologize to my audience. all two of you. i hate thinking i am cause of disappointment in your lives.

so much has happened over these last two months, most of which is completely not worth mentioning. growing frustration with work has taken over my entire body and thus, my April resolution is to change that madness. i can't continue to let my heartache and frustration of my professional life consume my every moment at home. it will do damage beyond repair and i don't want to repeat the life my mother has already lived. i am doing it differently. thus, i resolve to change how i treat, view, and allow people to effect me. and thus my life.

it's hard making a change this ginormous. i didn't know if i'd ever have the energy, and to be honest, i don't really have any, but i knew if i continued the path i was on, i would continue to change my relationship with my kids and family... my life.

i, so strongly, realize i am defined by what i choose to define me. but living that? that's tough. it's tough because i wish it was different. i wish friendships weren't so meaningless in a professional environment. so expendable. i didn't have a choice. it was done outside of my lane. things were done the way they were for the betterment of one individual's inability to take personal responsibility for things. "just rip the band-aid off." because i wasn't just a coworker, but also a friend, i knew it wasn't the right way, but i had no say in the matter. my opinion didn't matter. my friendship didn't matter. it was going to be whatever they told me it was going to be.

life is what you make of it. goodness, i know this. really. people only can make me upset if i let them. i heard you. it doesn't make this any easier. it just doesn't.

but i digress, because i am changing. i am changing my life, my time, my memories because i need to. these last 2 months of memories have not been worth the pain of going through them. these last 2 months of memories are such a waste of my life. i am not making the most of my hand. i am taking the worst and letting that run my life. it all feels so out of control, but it doesn't have to be and i vow to change this. not for me. for my kids.

i love life.
i remember loving life.
i miss loving life.
i can love life again.

this post is completely not entertaining for you. i apologize. but at least my vow is written down in stone somewhere. "stone."

{i'm much more apt to follow through with things when i publicly hold myself accountable.}

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