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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

just do it.

i am am mom to three.  and, honestly, i feel more like half a mom to three.  i never feel like i'm ever fully there for any of them.  there is so much that constitutes being a mom that i just don't know if i actually, fully pull it off with each of my babes.

these eight years of motherhood have passed me by quicker than i consumed that last chocolate bar.  i don't want to miss any of their childhood, but i do.  every day.  and it makes me sad.

last night my husband and i made a pact.  no more iphones, laptops, etc in the bedroom.  that is the only time i really get to see and talk to him everyday, and since june, it's been non-existent.   june marks father's day.  father's day marks the day the itouch came into our life.  which also marks the last day i could hold a focused conversation with my husband in bed.  with this itouch... world wars and alliances take his full attention.

why does any of that matter to you? 

last night we were iphone/itouch-less.  we watched a movie ... The Proposal with sandra bullock.  while i felt it was mediocre, that really doesn't have anything to do with what i'm about to write.

there was this scene... the grandma (betty white) was decking out margaret (sandra bullock) in her own wedding dress.  she topped it all off by giving her a turquoise necklace passed down through the generations.  it was a tender moment met by a flood of tears flowing down my cheeks.

it's too late.  while i was busy taking time for granted, my grandmother grew older.  her disease grew bigger.  she no longer remembers anyone other than my grandfather, and even then she tries to disappear on him often.  my time was wasted and never in my life will i get to have a moment like that with my grandmother.  nothing personal.  nothing touching.  just me in fear of what lies before me.  a scared, confused, and often tearful woman. 

i never got to say goodbye to my grandma - the one that used to know me.  and now, NOW, my only option is to say hello to a grandma that won't know me.  i'm half-asian, for cripes sake, she's NEVER going to believe i'm her grandchild now!

i am quite disappointed with myself.  we had a crazy upturn of events this year, so i can honestly say it wasn't because i was lazy that we didn't make it up to see them, but i can say that i should have taken the time to do this.

i have been talking with my aunt a lot lately.  about my grandma.  she reassured me that even by the time i had that last blog "moment" in February, it was too late.  in January she was already gone.  less argumentative and tearful, but still unfamiliar with who people were.  it only gives me slight relief.  

i don't want to take this life lesson for granted.  i say it all the time... i have to life in the moment more often.  it's all gone before you know it.  you may intend on getting there someday, but someday will pass you by in the blink of an eye.

july 2008.

this was the last time i saw my grandma.  she remembered me, though i could see the discomfort when she met new people, she was comfortable with me.  she knew me.  she still stroked my chin with that pointer finger when she saw me, just like when i was little.

live in the moment.
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.  
~Chinese Proverb 

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