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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

changing ways

i'm having a very emotional series of weeks, of late. emotional in that, everything hits my heart like a ton of bricks. to the point i go numb.

my only enemy at this point is time. just get me through this. for the love of G.

i went to church for the first time in 2 years. or closer to 4. but who really feels the need to count? my kids really loved it. really really enjoyed themselves. i'm not 100% convinced that this is the place for my family for years to come, but i feel a little healthier on the inside because of it. i'm not sure if it brought me closer to God, but it made me closer to myself. it made me realize that what i view my reality to be is not all that powerful in nature. i can't change people that are sick. i can't make them unsick when they choose to stay that way. i honestly thought i could. i honestly believed i was that powerful. i used my kids to push that notion inside of my head. "if he won't do it for me, i'll use the kids."

how unfair.

how ridiculous.

am i just as sick?

it's so easy to fall prey to myself. fighting this down-spin of emotions is quite difficult.

but then i watched a clip of NieNie. reading her blog over the years, and that of her sister cjane have made me emotionally bonded to her. to stephanie nielson.

and then she was on oprah. i heard her words. i felt her pain. her struggle. her faith. her faith. her reality. it puts life into perspective.

my life is chaotic and dramatic because i invite that into my life. i open myself up for repeated disappointment and pain. i put it all out there because i can't live with regrets. or guilt. i don't want someone's failures attributed to me. or their hardships. or their pain. i choose to make life easier for people because it makes me feel good. it alleviates potential guilt. it's how i live my life.

will i fail myself by changing my ways?

can i view it as protecting my family..... is that an easy transition to make? i feel as though, after this last year of difficulty, it's my only option. focusing down on my family's needs - because they come first. all those tiny little perfect faces matter more than anything.

i know that.

i speak that often.

but i still put myself first.

i allow heartache and disappointment into all of our lives. how fair is that?

it's not. it just isn't.

self-pity not allowed. {not any more.}

i feel strong today.

it's all about the faces. my peas. my pride. my everything.

why is that so hard to remember some days?

{i feel so small}

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