Heavenly Hamakos

i am a complainer. i know this. i vent. i seethe. i am human.

i contemplated this post for awhile. do i post it? do i suck it up? how much whining do i want to subject my world {"my world"} to... honestly?

i feel so helpless. i feel as if the weight of my entire world is on my shoulders. i get up, go to work, to a place i no longer love going to... come home to chaos {all wrapped up in the itty bitty body of a two year old}, and now... now? i am on the cusp of a ruptured disk in my neck. and my loving, adorable husband stops me the other night. stops me in my tracks, on my way to hit the bathroom before he splits for class and literally asks me... "are you ok? i mean, besides the extreme physical pain, are you ok?" why on earth would he think things are ok? and then, i wonder... is this the first time he's wondered if i'm ok? because, let's face it, i'm not. i'm not ok. but i've struggled worse than this before and just as before, i know i'll pull through this crappy and stressful time in my life. but i hate that i wear my feelings, my strain, my anxiety on my sleeve.

see. i'm sorry. i'm whining. i'm not looking for pity, but maybe, i'm just trying to explain why i'm not myself. and maybe i'm looking for someone to tell me it's ok to be miserable. because it really really sucks when people tell you that you should be happy and they hate seing you like this. just tell me it's ok to be miserable. it's my right. it won't last forever. i can deal with it.

work is effecting my life. my life is effecting my work. and while this is nothing unusual or strange, the fact that work kind of blows chunks these days and i've also got a raging two year old at home amplifies the everyday drama i'm used to.

BUT...

my two year old can also be kind of funny.
like when she tells me she forgot to "give you some sugah today"...
and then kisses my lips, my nose, my eyes, my ears...
at which point i tell her how much i love her and how she makes me happy,
and at which point she then says "poop."