some of you know how chaotic i have felt internally over the last few months. {by few i mean at least six.} it has been quite a difficult and confusing ride to experience. i never went crazy {luckily} but inside, i always felt like i was on the brink. ever have so much to juggle and not enough time to do it, yet, believing that you do? that is a harsh reality to awaken to. as simple and easy a concept as it seems to be, sometimes being a believer really makes for an awkward awakening. it leaves behind a trail of chaos unfamiliar to the likes of me, for i like lists, and calendars, and lists...
i currently have a list on my refrigerator {one that is typed with several bullets and sub-bullets, and sub-bullets to the sub-bullets} with approximately twenty tasks deemed "spring chores." it was so exciting to put together and i was so amped up about crossing things off, but so far, i've done two things and haven't had the energy to cross them off. i have mental notes that they're done which are far less rewarding, i might add. but things are coming off of there, little bits at a time.
sunday i met up with a friend {a best friend} for the first time in about six months. unreal. we were people that talked at least twice a week for the last thirteen years. we went six months without uttering a word. that is how far i let this chaos into my life. it's embarrassing to think about. i just lost control of my life because it suddenly controlled me. i was so overwhelmed that i just rode the wave and luckily, made it to shore without serious harm.
i don't know if i take on more than i can handle, but i take on more than i realize. i don't admit failure because i don't settle for it, but i also think that is why i lived in such a confused state of mind for the last few {six} months. the time is now, and i choose it, to admit i can live a great life at a slower pace with less pressure on myself. i don't have to be perfect. i just have to be mom. wife. sister. friend. worker. but without being perfect.
i am not perfect. i can do this. i can live comfortably without aiming for perfection each and every time. i can learn to let things roll off my back instead of dwelling on things i was unable to do. i can do this. i can do this. i can do this.
my calendars are up to date. i split sports nights with my hubster so that i have time to get other things done. i got both dogs groomed so i don't have that staring me down every day {a visual reminder of the chaos that reached every aspect of my life}, and my lists are full and thorough. there is a sense of accountability and constant reminder just by having them on my fridge. it feels so good - like i am in control of my life again.
i'm not saying i have to control life ... i just have to feel like i'm not being controlled by life. i think i'm on my way. *fingers crossed*
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