celebrations of a 5 year old

this past week was emma's 5th birthday. that's right. she's five. FIVE. where does the time really go? it hits me hard with her because she's my middle child. and as my middle child i feel she honestly does get the bum end of the stick when it comes to attention. so, this monumental event only amplifies the fact that i feel like i'm really missing out on her growth.

{this is my dear, sweet, lovable emma paige}

emma is my strong one. she's going to be a fanTAStic mother one day. she can handle the ups and downs life throws at her better than her brother and sister. all of this is important because she turned 5 years old. and the day before her birthday we were supposed to celebrate her last day at pre-school on TOP of throwing her a kick-butt birthday party at snack-time. but, that was not to be. you see, emma came home on that Monday with a fever. instead of going to school, emma went to the doctor's for that fever. because, you see... it was almost Thanksgiving and i would be damned if I got stuck in an emergency room over the next hectic 5 days.

{so, where was i?}

doctor's office. that's right. my little 5 year old has pneumonia. pneumonia that made her cough non-stop, run a fever, and weeze unbelievably. and pneumonia that made her unable to attend her last day of pre-school. pneumonia that made her unable to hand out her cupcakes and treat bags to all of her friends, thus deeming her the absolute coolest 5 year old in that class on that very day.

fast forward a week.

emma is no longer enrolled at her pre-school, but i was going to be damned if we weren't going to celebrate her birthday there with all of her frends, thus having her as the coolest chick EVER on that very day.



before we left the house, i knew i was going to be an emotional wreck. not because i was so proud of who emma has become over these last 5 years, though i was. not because i was sad to see her to turn 5, though i was. but because i feel she was getting the bum end of the stick. i was pulling her out or pre-school to help us afford the hubbie not working right now.



{you know how sometimes it takes that big huge heaving sobbing cry to feel better? well with what happened 9 weeks ago...it just still hasn't fully processed. i had YET to have that big huge heaving sobbing cry.}



she had a crown. a BIG crown. with glitter. lots of glitter. OH, and hearts, too. she was in heaven. princess-girly heaven. she passed out her cupcakes. she passed out her treatbags. she was the coolest freaking kid in class that day and she loved it. and i wept. and i sobbed. and i had to excuse myself. and then i had to endure the stares of 24 precious little faces wondering why emma's mom was crying. and being a downer to the best party of the year. {i just had to throw that in there}



being a mom allows us to feel so many new thing in life. you don't just feel things for yourself. you feel them for others. and by feel, i mean feeeeeeeeeeel. emma was so overwhelmed by everyone so happy to see her that she just kind of stared and smiled. she knew she wouldn't be going to pre-school there anymore, but it didn't fully process until we got in the car and she saw her journal. her pencil box. her nametag. "why is this in the car, mom? it stays in my classroom."

*sobs, i tell ya*

i can't tell you how happy i am to be a mother. it's all that i was sure i knew i wanted in life. but the mommy guilt is a tough thing to get used to. my oldest is 6 and i still haven't figured out how to deal with it. what i have figured out is that if i need a shoulder to cry on, if i need a smooch to feel better, if i need someone to make me laugh...all i have to do is be home. i've got my entire life right there. they are my life. they are what matter.

i'm learning not to sweat the small things. it's hard because you want your children to have the best in life. pre-school was her own world, and one she was proud of. she had her own friends. her own teacher. her own dance-class. for me it was a big thing. it represented a lot of what i wanted for her... a world of her own. a chance to be someone on her own. not living in the shadow of her big brother or little sister. but you know what i have to remember? she is strong. and she will refuse to live in their shadows. and for THAT...i am proud.

{and on a side note... what's worse than a daughter with pneumonia over Thanksgiving? two daughters with pneumonia over Thanksgiving. never ask how much worse it can get... because the Lord is tricky like that sometimes. not that he wanted to show me pain, but he did want to reiterate the fact that i can't control things in life... so why sweat the small things?}

family portraits (or attempts, thereof)

This was the weekend we had our family pictures taken, which obviously means, this is the weekend I would spend hours carefully planning and executing perfect outfits and hair for my entire family, thus sweating for hours on end only to barely get myself ready in time for our appointment.

I love family pictures. I love having a baseline for reference on my children’s growth, year by year. It’s been 2 years since our last family portrait. And OH how I regret not taking Sophie for regular photos over all this time…totally a deer in the headlights as far as smiling went.

Not only was she not smiley… her hair… her long curly hair… her long curly hair that I spent 30 mins getting “perfect” was anything BUT perfect on film. Say it with me folks, S-T-R-I-N-G-Y. *oye* so disappointing. So Sunday we cut it. I got out my scissors and some cheese and crackers and took control of the situation. Much better, only 24 hours too late.

Our family portrait came out mediocre, but getting 3 kids to all smile at the same time in the same direction is damned near impossible. {Unless you take their auntie along to get them rolling in laughter like only an auntie can. Unfortunately I thought of that a little too late.} So, while my portrait isn’t exactly as I pictured it when getting ready that day, I’ll take it. And I won’t go back for another year. But…I still need to get Sophie’s redone. Unfortunately, now when people receive both our family portrait and the kids’ individual shots, her hair will be long in one and short in the other.

But you know, if this is the only problem I had to endure this weekend…
I guess I am awfully lucky.

we've all got issues

we all have issues. most of mine are likely different than yours. some of mine might be the same, but even when they are the same, they are so vastly different because we live different lives.

i don't like it when friends vent and tell me they should probably not complain to me because of everything i have going on in my own life... that they feel like they're whining.
{note to self: maybe i should get the definition of friend tattooed across my forehead}

i love people. i love helping people. sometimes my "help" gets misinterpreted. sometimes my "help" is more about knowing i did all i could to make someone else's life better or easier than it is about actually helping them. does that make sense?

it means, i'm selfish. so sue me.

it's ironic. this is the year i decided to volunteer more at my kids' schools. to donate more time and money to wonderful charities and research. this is the year i wanted to do more for people. this is also the year my husband lost his job. what a downer!

it's been an eye opening year for me.

i'm finding out i'm still in love with my husband {reference an earlier post}. all this during the most stressful period of our marriage. i'm realizing i'm pretty lucky that during a time like this, our love just seems to grow Grow GROW. i'm finding out that i really do love to craft. i'm figuring out it's ok to want to learn to sew. i'm learning that patience is unbelievably important in our ability to be happy, and it's kind of a nice change of pace. i'm also learning that positive thinking can lead to a more positive way of living....that it will just become that naturally.

i know i was put on this earth to be a mother. i've known that since i was a child. i know i was brought here to be the mother of my three little peas.

{we were meant for each other long before we ever met}

i have learned that i control very little in this life and through positive thinking i am learning to be able to handle the hand i've been dealt. i'm trying to live my life with purpose. purpose. do people realize they have an unselfish purpose in life? a purpose that is unrelated to them being...themselves? a real purpose to this world?

maybe i'll never fully know or understand my full purpose in life. but... i feel as though as long as i am cognizant of the fact that i want there to be purpose and i am driven to make sure i have purpose...i'll just bless the world twice over?! one can only hope.

for now, i'm just happy knowing i can be there to lend an ear to a friend in a time of need.

positive thinking. nuff said.

sometimes life can get you down.

i know this ALL too well. and sometimes being down is tough to change. and sometimes you don't even want to change it.

i'm really interested in the power of positive thinking these days. you wanna know why?

chris and i are currently undergoing a 7 week love exercise. on day 2, something happened. our task that we answered independently of one another was answered exactly the same.

"think of a good time in your marriage and write about it."

as i was the only one that actually wrote out the assignment, i asked him to go first. all he said was "atlantic" and i started laughing. i couldn't believe it. who would've thought that over these last 8 years we both would've picked our trip to atlantic city playing Indian Poker in the car stuck in awful traffic as that good time in our marriage. that trip took place 5 months into our relationship and it wasn't our most exciting trip we've taken these last 8 years.

positive thinking doesn't just entail thinking these things... it includes talking about these things. and talking about these things leads to more positive thinking.

{like, remember that time i took chris {knowingly} to a gay bar and he was definitely the apple of that one guy's eye?

he didn't even freak out. he just kept drinking his courvoisier or whatever that manly drink was and played it cool.

he did that for me. and i liked it.}

you know what was one of the nicest parts of this exercise? the fact that we talked about it in bed so that the last thing i felt as i started dozing was elation. i was feeling as though we were a team. was feeling though we truly are united in love. in love.

{i'm still in love.}

i have been so caught up in the quick of living my reality that i haven't taken the time to really think about that. when a couple gets so caught up in the life of your children, work, and activities, you can kind of forget that you're also in love...that you're part of a couple. an in-love couple.

not a couple of parents.

not a couple of friends.

a couple in L-O-V-E.

if you're not nuturing that love, what will happen? if you don't take time to smell the roses...you miss something. and believe me, this is new to me too. if you recall, just last week i was asking for pointers on how to do this. but i'm finding that with some things in life, if you really want them, it's worth every effort to make it good. and memorable. and meaningful.

so this is where i'm at today. i'm completely excited to talk about tonight's task with...

MY HUSBAND.

{not my kids' father. not my friend, chris. not mr. funnyman}

MY MAN.

MY LOVE.

MY HONEY.

learning lasts a lifetime. i'm getting that. gladly.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abraham Lincoln

i got that feelin'....

'tis the season ... to get that feeling.

{that funky feeling}

that christmas is almost here.

ooo yeah.

ooo yeah.

i'm ready. BOY am i ready. i love the holidays, and how convenient that thanksgiving is next week.

NEXT WEEK FOLKS.

{i'm kind of driven by food and the holidays = great meals!}

i'm so inspired this year, thanks to blogs like this, this, and this... i can't wait to see what i'm capable of this year. of course, don't hold it against me if my capability isn't put to full use. i tend to be ambitious at heart but then reality has a way of slapping me in the face sometimes.

and that's ok. because my reality is kind of nice.

a boy.

two girls.

and a man. {hubba hubba}

and let's not forget...

much love.

it's about love, afterall. you know... life. what is life without it? i'm lucky to be SURROUNDED by it day in and day out. in fact, chris and i are actually beginning a great "love exercise" {get your mind out of the gutter, folks}....

for 7 weeks we're working on training our minds to think positively. what, you ask, is this for? let me show you...

FOREVER.

marriage is work. you can't deny that, and if you try to, you're fooling yourself. it's something that you have to keep at, to make it wonderful, to make it meaningful.

everyday we are given a thought. we have to think the thought as much as possible for the entire day. during the day we have to write down a certain task that accompanies that thought and at the end of the day we share it with our partner.

example:

thought: i am genuinely fond of my partner.

task: list one characteristic you find endearing or lovable about your partner

this continues five days a week for seven days a week. at the end the hope is that positive thinking becomes second nature, as does the appreciation for your marriage and what you have together. it's about enriching your marriage.

i hope this christmas is our best yet. not because of materialistic things. because we are strong. together. i hope our marital growth this year makes for the most meaningful celebration ever. together. i'm excited about this more than the meals this year. {can you believe THAT?} but i am. love is grand...and i'm learning it's also patient. and kind. and not boastful. pure love is unbelievably innocent. it's a pretty nice thing to have while i'm floating on cloud 9 ...

'tis the season, don'tcha know!